How To Be My Own Best Friend, Instead Of My Own Worst Bully
Have you ever thought the worst of yourself in times of struggle, or judged yourself harshly for messing up? Do you see yourself in a negative manner, or find it difficult to receive compliments? Do you hold yourself to high standards and find yourself in distress if those expectations aren’t met?
We’re human! This tends to happen often for a lot of people actually. However, it doesn’t mean that what your brain says is true all the time. It’s not the greatest feeling to be bullied by your own mind… but it is something we can learn how to understand, manage, challenge, and overcome– yes, it’s possible to learn how to be your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy!
But how??
Rather than beating yourself up for things that you can't control, the hope is to have self-compassion and find acceptance to assist with shifting your perspective to see the flip side of the coin and validate your hardships instead. Acceptance and self-compassion do not mean that you have to “like” what is happening, but it’s more about “dropping the rope and walking away” instead of “playing tug of war” and engaging in the cyclical struggle, especially with something that is out of your control. The more you're able to take a step back and treat yourself with compassion and grace, the easier it will feel to get through difficulties instead of perpetually being stuck in an endless cycle of self-criticism.
This may be difficult to fathom at first, so below are a few helpful pointers on how this can be put to practice to help you out along the way:
A Guide to Self-Compassion
Ask yourself, “Who is voicing this?”
Sometimes we are believing negative things about ourselves that was once told to us from someone before, or that is rooted in an experience that we have been negatively influenced by. For example, just because an old friend may have told you that you don’t fit in doesn’t mean this is reflective of who you actually are, or of your worth. Do you want to trust what a previous bully said and let them continue to have that power over you? You deserve to take your power back, and to see yourself in a more positive light.
Change your inner dialogue
Once you notice that negative dialogue arising in your brain, let it pass by like a car driving away rather than “getting in the car” with it, and then choose to replace it with something different, such as “I’m taking one step at a time and trying my best which is all I can do right now, and that's okay and it’s enough for today." By doing so, you are encouraging yourself and lifting yourself up which can be really helpful to get through hardships and overcome those negative beliefs.
Find the evidence against your negative beliefs
When all we are fixated on is the negative, of course we will feel negative as a result. Yes, those struggles may be part of the picture, but it’s not the whole picture. Starting to identify and focus on evidence against what your inner critic is saying can be beneficial to have perspective and see other parts of the picture too, and thus feel a little less stressed as a result. For example, “Even though I feel like a failure from not passing that test, it doesn’t mean I’m a failure in life since I passed my other classes and I can always ask for extra credit if needed.” We need to understand and acknowledge why we are struggling and understand that negative part of the picture, while also equally seeing the other part of the picture to reflect on how and why that negative belief isn’t actually true or factual.
Validate your struggles
It’s okay to struggle– again, we’re human and that’s okay. Rather than judge yourself for having emotions or making mistakes, -as all humans do- try taking a step back and allow yourself to be where you are at without judgment. For example, "That was a really difficult experience– it's no wonder why I feel this way." This helps with having compassion and grace on yourself to understand and normalize these difficulties, instead of spiraling with self-doubt and ridicule.
This takes time and practice to become our best friend instead of our worst enemy, but you’ve got this! One step at a time :)